Hi, I’m Married

In my agency days as a website builder, new hires were still a relatively rare occurrence.

Wanting to be friendly, I considered introducing myself to a recent new hire; I stopped because of “the Curse.”

I have tried to explain the Curse to any willing listener: “Whenever I meet a new female, the first or second sentence out of their mouth is the boyfriend or husband card.”

“What do you do to get this reaction?” I’m asked.

I ask in the reverse, “How do I come across to get this reaction?”

I’ve asked colleagues, ex-girlfriends, in-laws, friends, and lovers. Some say I give off the creeper (sus) vibe, while others have said I come across as gay, awkward, or pedophilic (I resent that last one). Others said they had no clue.

Having no one able to directly witness or confirm this with me, I was left just calling it “the Curse.”

Let’s back up. Let’s talk about Erin.

I’ve always been super awkward with girls, never knowing what to say or how to act. This lasted well into my late teens and into college. By chance, my sister and I attended college in the same city, and she invited me to her apartment to have dinner with her roommates on occasion.

“Ronald, this is Erin,” she said, introducing me to her drop-dead gorgeous roommate.

Erin was a Britney Spears replica in person, which made an awkward socialite like me immediately clam up. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look at her.

“You need to sit down and talk to Erin.”

My sister saw my look of confusion and dread.

“You need to learn how to interact and talk to hot girls,” my sister said, extremely serious.

It worked. I am, and will always be, shy around ladies, but making small talk with Erin and interacting with my sister’s other roommates taught me the importance of respectful eye contact and of finding common interests when conversing.

Perhaps this awkwardness, mixed with confidence, is an immediate red flag that automatically pulls up the boyfriend card defense. It could be the immediate eye contact. It could be my nonchalant attitude, regardless of looks. Or, it could just be “the Curse.”

That new co-worker I wanted to meet but was dreading? I actually asked a female co-worker to accompany me (after I explained the Curse).

“Hi Alice, this is our web developer, Ronald. He helps marketing with any publishing issues.”

She waved her hand. “Hi, I’m married.”

I forgot the rest of the conversation, but I was quickly out of there.

“I didn’t even get a word in this time,” I confessed.

“I’ve never seen that before,” she responded. My first witness.

My second witness was my girlfriend, Pauli. We were at a Paramore concert in 2014 when a first-time concertgoer (about 16 years old) was trying to find water in the crowd.

I explained that she should go ask the guards at the front to fill her water bottle from their hoses (it was dreadfully hot, and they were spraying the crowd).

Pauli started chatting with the young lady, and I explained that it might get hectic as the crowd thickens (not trying to break into a deep conversation).

“Oh, my boyfriend does that.”

Pauli looked at me, confused, as the girl wormed her way through the crowd, away from us.

“Where the hell did that come from?” Pauli asked.

“You witnessed it!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, that was totally out of left field. Like out of nowhere.” Pauli explained.

Fast forward to the present. Or the future. And I’m sure I’ll get the same treatment. Even if I age into a balding, respectful old man, there will be some pharmacist or hospital staff member ready to play the boyfriend-or-husband card if I dare try to make conversation.

The Curse will always be perplexing.