A numbing clang came from the elevator, and with it the first morning rush—employees eagerly shuffling to their drab cubicles, timing the coffee pot before heading to the kitchen.
As morning chatter turned into status reports, the kitchen withered but for the receptionist, deep into her tablet novela, and Kenny, the tech guy, watching her network traffic on his mobile right next to her.
Barely looking up from her tablet, she said, “I hear the new guy is interested in the bidet?”
“Don’t worry, I’ve already gotten rid of it.”
“You took care of all of it?” she inquired, raising an eyebrow.
“Even the emergency squares.”
“I’m in it for half of whatever you ma…”
“Hi, Ken, Alice, this is our new guy, Ted.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Ted said, outstretching his hand, the receptionist showing keen interest in Ted’s mannerisms.
Kenny shook his hand as well. “Nice of you to join us. I hear you’re new to us. How about I show you around?”
“No need,” Ted replied. “I’m almost on my first break, and I know exactly where I’m going to go.”
“Where’s that?” Alice asked.
“According to BidetFinder, you have the only working bidet in a 5-block radius.”
Alice put her tablet down. “You don’t say?”
“And a 4.7 rating,” Ted said, hardly containing his enthusiasm.
“I’ll have to look that up.” Alice trained her eyes on her novela again.
“I’ve been holding this for two days. I’ll see you all in fifteen.”
“And there he goes…” Alice muttered. Ted disappeared down a corridor next to the elevator, entering stall number two.
Frantic grunting and jubilant celebratory taunts echoed, and Alice could hardly keep her attention on her tablet anymore.
“Holy crap!” Ted exclaimed.
Then came a mechanical whirring, the dry hoses throttling and clanking with no water, reverberating around the office.
“I think that’s your cue, Kenny boy,” Alice remarked with a grin.
“How are things in there, Ted?” Kenny asked, knocking, then walked through the bathroom door, an ungodly odor almost taking him off his feet.
“Not good, man. This bidet is blowing air.”
“Yeah, you need water credits to operate that. You can buy credits at the front desk.”
Getting flustered, Ted remarked, “How is that going to help me in this situation?”
“Not very.”
“And I see all regular paper has been removed.”
“Because of employee theft,” Kenny replied. “But I do have some extra paper available for these situations.”
“Tell me,” Ted begged.
“Normal paper rate is $20 for 20. That’s barely there’s. But for you, I’ll throw in a 20 of Angel’s for $20 as long as you leave a nice review on BidetFinder.”
“This is preposterous.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I’ll take three of the Angel’s.”
Kenny walked back towards the kitchen, cash in hand, new rating online.
“Enough to buy us lunch,” Kenny said, dropping $30 on the table.
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